What is stonewalling in a relationship, and is it similar to the silent treatment?

Stonewalling, in the context of a relationship, refers to being uncooperative or evasive, often as a fight or flight response [1]. While it might seem similar to the silent treatment, stonewalling is not usually intended to hurt the other person, but rather is often a way to avoid making things worse [1, 2].

How can stonewalling, which seems like a way to avoid conflict, actually harm a relationship?

Although it may seem like a good solution at the moment, stonewalling can actually damage a relationship [3]. By choosing to turn away from arguments, especially when immediate action is needed, stonewalling can send confusing signals and may lead your partner to feel like you don't care [2, 4]. It can also block approaches that could help improve the situation [3]. Over time, it can destroy communication, intimacy, and emotional connection [5].

If I tend to stonewall when things get heated in a relationship, what are the possible negative effects on my partner and on myself?

When you stonewall, your partner might feel confused, frustrated, and as though their feelings are not being addressed [4]. They may suffer from the unsaid words and suppressed emotions [5]. Additionally, as the stonewaller, you might be misunderstood, and you also suffer from the strain this dynamic puts on your relationship in the long run. This can lead to unresolved issues [2, 5].

How can I communicate effectively with a partner who comes from a different cultural background if I tend to withdraw or stonewall during conflicts?

Communicating with a partner from a different cultural background requires vulnerability and open expression, which may be difficult if you tend to stonewall. Stonewalling can make it difficult to address relationship conflicts, so you may need to be aware of how your behavior might be perceived by a partner from a different culture [2]. Instead of withdrawing, it’s better to be vulnerable and express yourself [6].

What are some ways to handle relationship conflicts without resorting to stonewalling, and how can being vulnerable and expressing myself help me achieve a lasting connection?

Instead of choosing silence during conflicts, try to be vulnerable and express yourself [6]. This helps in navigating relationship conflicts and prevents misunderstandings [2]. By being open and addressing issues head-on, you can foster better communication, intimacy, and emotional connection, which are vital for a lasting relationship [3, 5].

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Every relationship runs into problems, but stonewalling isn’t the answer.

Sometimes, I’m a bit amused at the way we modern people appropriate old words and apply them to relationship situations that we’re only beginning to come across. One of these words is stonewalling.

This seemingly new word isn’t new at all. It’s not even about stones anymore. The word, as the modern public knows it, likely has its origins in politics. It means to be uncooperative or evasive. It’s a little bit like the silent treatment, but it differs in intent.

While silent treatment is often meant to hurt the other person, stonewalling is more like a fight or flight response.

It goes kind of like this: “I better shut my mouth so I don’t make things worse…”

Sure, it can be beneficial to just choose silence to keep from making any argument worse at times. Stonewalling isn’t always done on purpose, but when it's deliberately and habitually done, it poses a significant problem in your relationship.

Why?

Because…

As the stonewaller, you’d be misunderstood.

Choosing to turn your back on arguments, especially those that need immediate action, can send complicated or unclear signals that your partner would most likely misunderstand.

Your resistance as the stone waller to address the conflict will leave the other party confused, or it could give the impression that you simply don’t care, which can be frustrating and may trigger forced or worse confrontations.

By opting to keep your silence with the intention of not adding fuel to the fire, you not only risk being misunderstood, it can have the opposite effects that you’re trying to achieve.

The stone-walled partner will suffer.

Put yourself in your partner’s shoes and imagine what it’s like to be left hanging in the middle of a quarrel or a heated argument, not knowing what to do. You’d probably feel all sorts of overwhelming emotions, right? That’s what they would feel, too, and more.

Your partner would suffer from all the unsaid words and suppressed emotions. You’ll be leaving the problems either unresolved or worsened because what’s intended to be combatted head-on is instead met with a cold intentional pause and behavior.

And guess what, you’d also suffer from it. Stonewalling puts additional baggage on both of you individually. This would strain the relationship in the long run.

It puts your relationship on a tightrope.

Stonewalling may imply a reluctance or refusal to work out problems. It can gradually destroy your communication, intimacy, and emotional connection.

Tension can and will build up as you stonewall your partner. It can also block approaches that could help the situation improve and be resolved. It puts a tight leash on the relationship you have.

Stonewalling can seem like a good solution, but it can actually damage your connection.

* * *

I know sometimes that silence or choosing to withdraw may be the best option to ease the situation – it could be the most powerful thing to do under specific circumstances.

So be sensible enough to navigate relationship conflicts. Don’t let your silence leave your partner questioning their worth. You might end up watching your relationship go down the drain.

Be vulnerable and express yourself. There’s nothing wrong with that.