How to Lead in a Relationship Without Being Controlling

A man leading a relationship may seem old-fashioned. But should you dismiss the notion?

According to a survey, 40% of American respondents believe men are better qualified for that role. Marriage therapist Jessica Small says this statistic is both surprising and predictable.

“Despite a very large push and progression towards gender equality, the dating landscape still is grounded in more traditional gender roles and beliefs,” she tells CNBC.

The numbers somehow suggest that a gentleman like yourself should know how to lead in a relationship.

But how can you take the reins without being a controlling partner? Here are some pointers for you.

What Does It Mean to Be the Leader in a Relationship?

Leading a relationship means showing initiative, particularly in decision-making and planning. The leader in the relationship, usually the man, takes an active role in executing the desired outcome.

A healthy relationship may involve a balance of give and take. However, the leader assumes a higher level of responsibility, steering the relationship in the right direction.

And no, the other person doesn’t just sit around and wait for instructions. A man like you should subtly guide your partner while, at the same time, trusting their sound judgment and paying attention to their wants and needs.

Why Is Taking the Lead in a Relationship Important?

Couples should treat and respect each other as equals. So why should there be someone who knows how to facilitate the relationship? Why is leadership important?

Here are some reasons:

1. It fosters mutual trust.

By learning how to be a good leader in a relationship, your partner will trust you to do the job. And with that, you’ll also trust that they’ll take your direction without issue. How will you become a reliable pillar if your partner can’t count on you?

2. You learn more about each other.

Knowing how to lead in a relationship creates room for learning and understanding. How? Leaders have to be intentional towards their partners. You should know what makes them happy, sad, and angry.

Your investment will pay off in the long run. Your partner will remember and appreciate that.

3. You become reliable.

You can’t be indecisive in a relationship. Why? Your choices don’t only affect you.

Think about your partner, not just yourself. Brace yourself for making difficult decisions. Being passive and expecting things to sort themselves out won’t help you. Once you embrace the decisiveness that should come with leading a relationship, you’ll become a more reliable person in your partner’s eyes.

4. It encourages accountability.

Learning how to be the leader in a relationship means being responsible for the well-being of your relationship. Not only should you own up to your decisions and actions, but you and your partner should also call each other out when necessary.

In a Yale Insights piece, clinical psychologist David C. Tate discusses an excerpt from his book Conscious Accountability. He believes people’s perspectives on accountability need a reset. Instead of looking at it as a means of punishment and blame, people should treat it as a building block for trust and healthy communication.

The book may be for entrepreneurs, but you can apply its wisdom to romantic relationships.

How to Be a Leader in Relationships

As we alluded to earlier, leadership in a relationship is all about building a healthy and supportive dynamic based on mutual respect. It’s not about forcing your partner to follow you without opposition.

Are you unsure about where to start? Let these tips teach you how to lead in a relationship:

1. Set your intentions.

What do you want out of your relationship? Clarify your intentions with your partner.

To do so, ask yourself the following questions first:

• How much do you want to try new things?
• How do you want to go about fights and arguments?
• How much emotional intimacy do you want to have?

Your desire for happiness alone won’t be enough to sustain satisfaction. If you want to lead a relationship, define your idea of a successful union. From there, work on integrating them into your relationship.

2. Control your urge to fix everything.

We know some of us can’t help but fix things we view as broken. However, don’t step in immediately when your partner complains.

Know when to step back. Don’t let your ego make you get involved in situations headfirst without knowing their contexts.

If you don’t control your urge to fix everything, you’ll only come across as an uncaring partner who refuses to listen. If you don’t have a solution to a problem, there’s no harm in asking questions! Your partner will appreciate that instead of thoughtless actions.

3. Get a grip on your emotions.

We can’t help but get emotional sometimes, which is fair. We’re not robots, after all. However, it’s a different story if you can’t regulate your emotions.

Emotional intelligence is just as important as logical thinking. A 2019 study revealed that two partners with high emotional intelligence levels make for a more stable and committed relationship.

That said, don’t let your emotions overrule your logic. Balancing both is a challenging task, but you’ll need to learn how to pull it off or risk being in an emotionally toxic relationship.

What can you do? Exercise your leadership by ensuring your masculine energy provides your partner with a safe space, especially in hard times. Assure them you won’t run away when life gets difficult.

4. Don’t be afraid of space.

You can’t expect to be beside your partner 24/7. That’s impossible and impractical. You’ll also appear clingy and needy, the last thing anyone wants from a partner.

A woman wants a man who leads by example. Do that by maintaining a healthy distance. You and your partner still have separate lives outside of your relationship. Don’t make each other your sole source of fulfillment. There are many things to look forward to.

5. Mean what you say.

If you’re going to make a promise, fulfill it. Be a man of your word.

Don’t fall for the old cliché that says promises are meant to be broken. Sticking to your word adds integrity and builds loyalty, which makes bonds, especially romantic relationships, last longer.

. . .

Nobody wants a passive partner. Relationships are more satisfying when both parties are equally invested and passionate.

Hopefully, you’ve learned something about how to lead in a relationship. Now, be the best partner for the woman of your dreams!