Why Women Play Hard to Get and How

You know in your gut that she’s into you. If only she gives you a chance, you’d make quite a nice couple.

However, she’s telling you “no” a little more frequently than you’d expect.

You would accept a straightforward rejection, but that isn’t the case. She’s giving you enough indication of hope because in between those series of nos are occasional yeses.

The only logical conclusion? She’s playing hard to get.

When it comes to dating, some people jump in eagerly. They dive headfirst as soon as someone shows the tiniest bit of interest in them.

Meanwhile, others want to jump in headfirst, but they don’t. Maybe they dip a toe or slowly wade in. They play hard to get. They let the person who wants to date them chase them; they make them work for it.

So how do you play along and keep your eyes on the prize without losing steam with a woman who’s playing hard to get?

Why Do Women Play Hard to Get?

There are various reasons why women play hard to get. Whether it’s their way of feeling loved or they aren’t aware, their actions call for a man who doesn’t mind the pursuit.

1. They enjoy the chase.

The thrill of the chase is why she’s playing hard to get. She’s also interested but wants to feel wanted.

Validation and delayed gratification make this game effective. The more effort someone puts into getting a relationship, the more invested they’ll be.

2. They like the sense of mystery.

Let’s say you’ve been pursuing a woman for a while. However, she’s making things challenging. Why is she playing hard to get, you ask? She wants to appear mysterious.

Maybe she’s rather ordinary in her everyday life. However, playing hard to get can make her seem intriguing and appealing.

Maybe she’s a hopeless romantic and wants grand gestures. Regardless, being mysterious is her brand of flirting, adding thrill to the chase.

3. They’re indecisive.

Does your match confuse you with her flaky nature? If you don’t know why she plays hard to get, look no further than her indecisiveness. Sometimes, it’s less about playing. Instead, it’s more about not knowing what she wants.

Some women are just hot and cold about things. They may want a relationship for one second but get cold feet the next. Their indecisiveness can make it appear like they’re playing hard to get when they’re just flip-flopping on their feelings.

4. They have something to hide.

Some women playing hard to get may have something to hide. They have an ugly past and are trying to keep it a secret for as long as possible, making them look standoffish.

Perhaps they don’t jump right in because they’ve got baggage, which can come in attachment styles.

A 2020 study discovered that people with insecure attachment styles play hard to get to protect themselves and manage their future partners’ behaviors (Lynch 2020).

They’re playing hard to get because someone in their past didn’t want them enough. Now, they want to ensure everything's right with their next partner.

5. They don’t want to seem too eager.

Playing hard to get boosts a person’s desirability. Why? According to social psychologist Gurit Birnbaum, most of us are, in her words, “less likely to desire what they already have” (University of Rochester 2020).

So, women don’t want to come across as thirsty and worry that you might lose attraction because of that perception.

Signs She’s Playing Hard to Get

You may have some doubts about her behavior. Is she playing hard to get or not interested?

What are the subtle signs a woman is playing hard to get?

1. She gives delayed responses.

One sign she’s playing the hard-to-get game is that it takes her a while to reply to your text messages. She’s interested in you but also wants you to wait. If she weren’t interested, she’d stop communicating altogether.

When she texts you back, she’ll tell you she was busy—her schedule was so packed that she didn’t have time to text you back. She had to make room for you in her schedule.

2. She makes you take charge.

Some women want an assertive guy who will tell them when and where they’re going out. For instance, they want you to have a detailed plan for your date. Otherwise, they won’t accept your invitation. Some go so far as to push you away to make sure you’ll come back.

3. She reminds you that you’re not the only one.

When women play hard to get, they’ll sometimes drop another guy’s name into the conversation. They won’t say they went out with him, but they’ll make some other sort of reference to him.

Is there another guy? That doesn’t matter. He may not exist, or he may not even be interested in relationships. The point is that she’s reminding you that she’s got options, and you’ve got competition. So, you better start chasing her harder.

What to Do If a Woman Is Playing Hard to Get

You clearly see the signs she’s playing hard to get but likes you. In this case, what should you do?

Match her energy. Drop another woman’s name. It doesn’t matter if the woman in question is someone you made up. Say that the other woman is just a friend. The name alone should be enough to jolt her and level the playing field.

Unfortunately, many guys put down a woman when she plays hard to get. In juvenile cases, this is when a boy pulls on a girl’s pigtails.

A mature example is negging. The goal is to play on the woman’s insecurities and make her want approval.

The problem with men negging a woman is that they don’t always know where the line is and go too far. Then, they hurt their potential partner’s feelings and destroyed the relationship before it started.

When playing hard to get, women may take playful jabs at a man, not to make him want her approval but to slightly provoke him.

Approach the Game with Nuance

Anyone who plays hard to get should take care not to overdo it. It can backfire because when you push someone away, they might not come back.

Also, someone tough to want shouldn’t play hard to get. Why? Their chances of success are low because people don't want to chase someone who isn’t desirable in the first place.

That said, it can work. It might begin as a game. But if all the signs of interest are there and you don’t give up at the slightest bit of resistance, you might discover that the relationship was worth the effort.