Understand Dating Psychology and Improving Relationships

Psychological Factors in Dating

In romance discussions, most people focus more on emotions. However, whether you’re aware or not, the psychological aspect is always in play, from the first time you meet someone to breaking up or saying, “I do.”

What about when you’re dating a Filipina? What psychological factors affect your and her attraction?

1. Physical Appearance

We often say, “Don’t judge a book by its cover.” But we can’t avoid basing our thoughts on physical appearance since it’s what we first notice about someone.

Hair color, height, weight, facial features, and skin color—these qualities influence our perception and behavior, especially in online dating.

According to “Modern Love: Scientific Insights from 21st Century Dating,” an online dating psychology survey found that 85% of Australian daters won’t contact a user without a posted photo.

Moreover, people were likely to rate men as attractive if they looked genuine and extroverted but not overly kind. Meanwhile, they were more likely to consider women attractive if they looked feminine, confident, and selfless.

Similarly, according to Scott Barry Kaufman in Scientific American, people treat those physically attractive better than their counterparts.

These studies show the significance of physical appearance when choosing a potential partner.

It’s no wonder that singles are preoccupied with their looks. You would want to have a high chance of attracting the partner that you like. However, beauty standards can vary.

For example, Filipinas are usually interested in men who are taller than them. With an average height of 149.6 cm, they see tall men as more masculine and dominant than shorter men.

2. Personality

Personality is part of the psychology of dating. It can make you fall deeper for your date or distance yourself.

Research by Yan Zhang and colleagues states that personality traits influence the perception of physical attractiveness. Those with more desirable personality traits are more attractive than those with less or none (Zhang et al. 2014).

But everyone’s perception of what’s desirable can vary based on their upbringing and experiences.

For example, Filipinas want gentlemanly, dependable, and assertive men. Growing up in a household where men are the leaders and providers, they expect their dates to exhibit the same traits.

Meanwhile, men who value traditional gender roles want resourceful and hardworking women—those who can care for them while they work to provide for their needs.

However, personality takes longer to discover than physical attributes. You’ll only get to know your date’s personality after several conversations and experiences together.

After all, love isn’t superficial but deepens as you get to know someone.

3. Similar Interests

Many say that opposites attract. However, we tend to like people similar to us.

Your interests and hobbies aren’t central to who you are. However, they affect your compatibility with a potential partner and, eventually, your satisfaction in the relationship.

A study on the attraction-similarity hypothesis found that people often experience greater relationship satisfaction when they perceive themselves to be similar to their partner (Morry 2007). This is because it’s easier to connect with them and feel more accepted and understood.

So, how can you learn about your similarities? Here are some dating psychology tricks:

One, ask interesting, open-ended questions. Instead of asking where they went to school, ask what made their high school life memorable.

Two, tell them a secret. For example, tell them your comfort movie is 13 Going on 30, but not even your closest friends know about it. This makes your date think you’ve allowed them to see a more private side of you and prompts them to open up.

Lastly, mind your body language. Keep your chest open and avoid crossing your arms to indicate that you’re listening attentively to what they’re saying.

4. Strengths and Weaknesses

Many frown upon pretentiousness when it comes to dating. However, a study on personal relationships states that people highlight their strengths to attract someone they like (Apostolou 2023).

This serves as a cover-up for our weaknesses out of fear that the other person wouldn’t consider us a potential partner if they knew about them.

Understandably, gaining the courage to be vulnerable takes time. However, being open about your strengths AND weaknesses establishes trust and allows your date to determine if they want to commit to you.

5. Love Languages

Love languages, by speaker and counselor Gary Chapman, is one of the most well-known psychological dating theories.

According to this theory, we give and receive love in five main ways: words of affirmation, quality time, physical touch, acts of service, and gifts.

Understanding your and your date’s love language is essential to effectively communicating your care and affection for each other.

For instance, Filipinas show love through cooking and spending quality time with loved ones. However, it might take time for them to express physical affection because of the conservative culture in the Philippines.

6. Mental Health

Dating psychology involves discussing mental health, a state of well-being that encompasses our psychological, emotional, and social aspects. It allows us to cope with stress, develop valuable connections, and attain fulfillment.

Serious mental health problems can cause conflicts and hinder you and your date from building a meaningful connection. On the other hand, when you are both mentally healthy, you can communicate more effectively, experience more intimacy, and attain fulfillment.

Psychological Challenges in Relationships

As much as psychology is part of falling in love, it also contributes to the challenges you may face when you enter a relationship. Here are some issues you may face, especially when in a relationship with a Filipina:

1. “Tampo”

“Tampo” is a Filipino word that loosely translates to sulking or pouting to express dislike for something someone said or did.

According to The School of Life, the dating psychology behind this is that we believe our partners should understand us. When they fail, perhaps they’re unworthy of our love.

However, another reason Filipinas do this is because of their non-confrontational culture, which pushes them to express their negative feelings indirectly.

Instead of fighting fire with fire, counter a Filipina's "tampo" with these psychology dating tips:

First, shower her with affection to ease her mood. Second, when she's calmer, address the problem. By doing so, you lay the foundation for effective communication.

2. Jealousy

Jealousy stems from low self-esteem, insecurities, and deep-seated anxieties. It arises when we think someone or something will jeopardize our romantic connection. In turn, we react in ways that will preserve and protect it.

However, some resort to ways that are detrimental to the relationship, such as strict monitoring, violent complaints, or constant bids for reassurance.

If you or your partner aren’t aware of your jealousy, its causes, and how it manifests, you can’t remedy it. When left unresolved, it leads to heartbreak.

3. Codependency

A romantic connection thrives and develops through trust and reliance on each other. However, too much of this turns to codependency, leaving you no room to grow individually.

For instance, Filipinas are naturally caring, especially toward their loved ones. However, such behavior becomes unhealthy when they forget to care for themselves and, worse, lose their identity.

In the psychology of dating, healthy independence is necessary for a couple to foster emotional resilience and self-reliance. As the famous quote goes, “You’re the captain of your ship.”

4. Infidelity

The psychology behind dating and cheating is dissatisfaction in the relationship.

For instance, when a couple experiences turbulence, they may seek love and consolation elsewhere, resulting in infidelity. Other reasons include depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, and falling out of love.

Though a cheater can temporarily attain satisfaction, their lack of commitment plants doubts and anxiety in the relationship. Ultimately, it damages their connection.

5. Abusive Behaviors

Psychological issues reach an extreme and dangerous level if they already manifest through abusive behaviors, whether verbal, physical, or emotional.

While the abuser may be suffering from underlying trauma and conditions, such a situation constitutes an emergency and should be reported to the proper authorities.

Maintaining a Healthy Relationship

As mentioned, psychology plays a role in everything from attraction to maintaining a relationship. But with the various challenges you may encounter, especially given your differences as an international couple, how can you ensure the latter?

1. Self-Reflection

Because psychology and dating are intertwined, couples should practice being aware of their thoughts, experiences, and behaviors.

Regularly pause and look back on your feelings and actions to see whether they were helpful to you and your relationship.

It's a humbling process. You might recognize your mistakes, come face-to-face with your traumas and insecurities, and realize the direness of your circumstances. But, in the end, self-reflection helps you become a better person and partner. You can't change the past, but you can take responsibility for what happens in your future.

2. Acknowledgement

If you observe unhealthy behaviors from you or your partner, be honest enough to acknowledge them.

Then, nurture a safe space for open and honest dialogue to help each other overcome your problems. Respectfully express your concern. Avoid blaming your partner for their behavior, as they might not be aware of it or have been struggling to change it. Instead, focus on how it has affected you and emphasize your willingness to stay in the relationship and work things through together.

3. Compassion

If your partner is going through a rough patch, be compassionate toward them. Refrain from condemning or blaming them for their situation.

Instead, be attentive when they’re sharing their thoughts and feelings. If you want to give your opinion or correct them, do so with respect and objectivity. Most importantly, only do so with their consent. Unsolicited advice often brings an air of superiority because you assume you know what is best for your partner, given their situation. While it may be, it's disrespectful and critical.

Simply try to empathize with each other.

4. Boundaries

Many misinterpret the psychological importance of setting boundaries to mean building walls. In reality, the psychology of love and relationships shows that boundaries help maintain your relationship (Gilles 2024).

No, they don’t distance you from your partner. They protect your self-worth and anchor you to your identity as you define what’s comfortable and acceptable. They also provide comfort, allowing you to express yourself without the fear of offending your partner.

On the contrary, a lack of boundaries erodes trust and mutual respect in the relationship.

5. Psychological Support

Don’t hesitate to contact a psychologist or counselor.

There’s no shame in asking for help. Sharing your troubles and experiences with a professional will help you understand the link between your dating behavior and psychology. Moreover, they can offer guidance on how to navigate your challenges in the relationship.

However, if you don't have the means to seek psychological support, reach out to your trusted family and friends. They can be your shoulders to lean on.

Recognize the Science Behind the Romance

Are you looking to date a Filipina? Perhaps you’re already dating or in a relationship with one? Soak in the bliss of romance. At the same time, recognize the science in your attraction and behaviors shaped by your upbringing, experiences, and culture.

Understanding dating psychology (or even its branches, like female dating psychology, men’s psychology in dating, or online dating psychology) might not automatically ensure you a lifetime partner. However, it can help you understand yourself better and navigate romance effectively.